we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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