And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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