what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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