I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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