I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
