I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
