I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
