I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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