After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm too high and old for this...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
