dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i've created a new STD.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
