when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
