On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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