Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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