it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
