Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
