I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
