I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
