A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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