threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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