I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
