so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
