You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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