You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
