You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
