My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
