worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
organizing the empties. That sober.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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