I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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