dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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