Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
