Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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