Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize