I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
