Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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