The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
