Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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