What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize