Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
