My balls are so social today.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
