Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
