hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
