Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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