Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
