i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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