The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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