Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
