If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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