I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
