That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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