I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
