I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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