I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
