Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
