I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
