Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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