whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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