having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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