someone threw a dead crab at me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
